Four Days Later Film Review: Gamer

Recently, I watched Gamer. Three days later, I tried to summarize it to my roommate. Now, one day after that, and four days after the original viewing, I’m going to try to repeat the summary. I’m not consulting Wikipedia to make up for any blind spots in my memory.

Okay, so, Gerard Butler is running through a warehouse, right? And he’s just shooting hella people. Blood’s flying everywhere – Gamer is from the guys who made Crank so you just KNOW that the blood effects are on point – and… well, that goes on for like ten minutes. At least, it feels like ten minutes. Butler ends up crouching by some railing and he whispers “Turn. Me. Around.” It feels like a GPS’ voice if you turned the switch all the way to “gravely”.

Okay, then credits happen, and we get some real cool exposition. Butler is actually a competitor in some hyper-real reality game called SLAYERS. Kable (Butler) just needs to win a few more games and he can get his freedom. Did I not mention that he’s a convicted death row inmate? And he’s controlled by some asshole kid whose name escapes me.

See, Michael C. Hall (whose character I’m just going to call Bad Dude) invented some nano-robots that go in people’s brains. And then other people can control them. Obviously, the best thing to do with this technology is to create some sort of weird faux Second Life. Fat shut-ins the world over can log in and take over “Socials” and then they can bone. Kable’s wife is one of the Socials, and some seriously obese dude controls her. It’s gross! But it also really has almost nothing to do with the rest of the movie, so forget about it. It’s just a bunch of bright colors and weird boobs.

Bright colors. Boobs. See? I'm not lying!

Okay, so, Kable’s asshole kid is hanging out in his holodeck, getting chatted up by teenage broads with screennames like Kumdumpsters. Then, BOOM, Ludacris is all up on his screen, representing for the HUMANZ. HUMANZ is not happy with Bad Dude’s nano-bots for some reason, probably because they’re spoilsports. Anyways, they hook the kid up with something that lets him talk to Kable, because they couldn’t talk to each other before? I guess? So why was Kable asking to be turned around if nobody could hear him?

Who cares? Now more dudes are getting shot, and Terry Crews (AKA the dad from Are We There Yet? the TV series) is trying to kill Kable, because Bad Dude doesn’t want Kable getting freed, because Kable knows some dark secret. Oh, I’m sorry, was that a spoiler? Nothing in this movie is worth spoiling.

So Kable steals a car by regurgitating a fifth of Georgi vodka into the engine. Because that’s how cars work. Maybe it’s an ethanol car? I think it said it was an ethanol car. Kable breaks out and rescues his virtual whore wife and then tries to find his kid.

Did I forget to mention the kid? Well, he has a daughter. And it turns out that Bad Dude adopted her! Because a violent gladiator in the future’s deadliest deathsport and a cyberwhore are unfit parents.

So, they break into Bad Dude’s house, where he performs a wicked rendition of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”. This sequence is actually the best part of the movie. It’s on the same level of goofy as the Crank films, and the entire movie should be goofy like this instead of overly blood-drenched and Gerard Butler shouty.

I couldn't really tell you what's going on here. It looks like a deadly game of pattycake.

Blah blah blah, Kable kills Terry Crews and Bad Dude and walks off with his family after giving the order to shut down the whole nano-bot system. Also Ludacris dies along with the only other member of HUMANZ, an Asian dude.

All in all, I’m going to give Gamer three shouting Gerard Butlers out of five. If you hate your life and are really just bummed out about not working for the past month, I strongly recommend waking up in the morning and turning Gamer on. It’s enough to make you give up on your whole day.

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